Category Archives: Dating

Pretty much what I’ve learned about dating or what I haven’t, thoughts on what it means to be single, baeless in the bay or in a relationship, or whatever that means to me.

The Art of Approaching a Man

Guest Blogger, Kimberly Gedeon of The Melody Of Melanin gives us The Art of Approaching a Man, read more to find out how to secure your BAE!

The very thought of approaching a man sends a spine-tingling chill down many women’s backs.

WOMAN UP!

“What if he rejects me?” 

“It’s so unladylike!”

“What if he isn’t receptive to me taking the lead?”

These are all valid concerns if you ask me. Rejection is a cruel blow to the ego and it’s often uncomfortable to step outside of our pretty-in-pink feminine shell. But what if I told you that you can be “the approacher” and manipulate the situation so that he’s still “the hunter”?

If you visualize the “approach” as some alpha female pushing herself up against a guy and demanding his number …

You’d be very wrong! There’s a sort of … finesse required, a little “seduction” and “craftiness,” if you will.

That’s why I call it, “The Art of Approaching a Man.”

Step One: Identify Your Target’s Social Setting

Before you do ANYTHING, you’ve got to figure out who this man is rollin’ with. Is he with a woman? Is he alone? Is he with a group?

If he is with a woman or a group of women, ABORT, ABORT! Yes, it’s true they may just be friends, but you don’t know for sure – best to be safe than sorry.

If he’s in a group – perhaps dilly dallying around town with his dude friends – it’s not the most ideal setting, but still feasible to get him in the palm of your hands.

And if he’s alone, perfect!

So if you’re man is rollin’ solo or grouped up with the guys, you’re good to go to the next step.

Step Two: Scan Your Surroundings

This is very important. How you approach your target will be contingent on your surroundings – you will be using it to your advantage.

For example, if he’s at a bar with friends, is there an empty stool next to him just begging for you sit on it?

Is he alone at a café, staring through the sneeze guard, wondering which tasty treat he should get with his latté?

Keep an eye out for these environmental cues – they are important because they’ll tell you how to approach your target.

For example, you can cozy up to that stool and pretend you’re getting yourself a drink:

Thirsty?

And you can shuffle up next to him and pose as if you’re having a hard time choosing a dessert as well:

Potential Bae Alert

See where I’m going with this? You need to visually scope your surroundings so that you know where to “place yourself” before you approach him.

Step Three: Wait for the Right Timing

You know what time it is!

Now that you’ve already mapped out the environment, as they always say, there’s a time and place for everything.

Choosing the right time is particularly crucial if your target is part of a group. You definitely don’t want to go for the kill when he’s in an intense, passionate conversation with one of his buddies. Trust me. He doesn’t want anyone tapping his shoulders while he’s trying to get his point across.

And if he’s at a bar watching a game – no. Okay? No! All he’s going to be thinking is how much he doesn’t want a pest like you in his life to interrupt his football Sundays.

Other times you do NOT want to approach your target:

  1. He seems as if he’s in a rush
  2. He’s talking on the phone
  3. While he’s doing something weird that he wouldn’t want others to catch him doing (picking his nose, adjusting himself)
  4. He’s making a beeline for the bathroom
  5. He’s on his way out
  6. He’s listening to music with his headphones on
  7. He’s reading a book

The RIGHT time to approach your target:

  1. Conversation dies down (if your target is with a group)
  2. He’s all settled down, enjoying his coffee at the cafe
  3. He’s just sort of hanging out, twiddling his thumbs
  4. He’s fidgeting with his phone, not doing much with it
  5. He’s standing in line for something
  6. He’s waiting for something – a flight at the airport or the bus at the bus stop

Step Four: The Approach

Here’s the fun part! Now that the timing’s right, what are you waiting for? Go for it!

The first thing you want to do is place yourself near him as for how you mapped it out in STEP TWO. But you do not initiate a conversation right away. You do your thing – mind your own business – long enough for your target to assume that you’re only around him for your own purposes. This will disarm his defenses: “Oh okay, false alarm. She’s not here to bug me.”

Keep to yourself: Order a drink for yourself at the bar as you sit next to him on the stool, text someone as you sit beside him on the park bench, pretend you’re having trouble deciding on dessert like he is.

Now on a recent trip to Turks and Caicos, I scored a super sexy island man (OMG so hot!) I followed all the previous steps: I surveyed the area, found out he was alone with his sexy self and saw that he was sitting at the slot machines.

Are You All In?

There’s an empty seat! It’s all or nothing, baby. I sat right next to him.

Take a risk and have a seat sis!

I fumbled around with the slot machines and pretended to have trouble using it all while keeping to myself. And that brings me to the next step – strike up a conversation that taps into men’s “HERO instinct.”

Step Four: Strike Up a Convo That Makes Him Feel Like Superman

Deep down inside, men want to fly around with capes and save the world. So if there’s any way that you can tap into that “hero instinct,” even if it gives him a lightning-fast feeling of being heroic, you’ll stimulate a spark of attraction within him.

So after fumbling around with the slot machine for a minute or two, I said, “Um, do you know how to use this thing? Help!” I lightly kicked the machine in a cute, joking way.

I got a question

And there he goes, going out of his way to help me use the slot machine. I could just see it in his eyes that, deep down inside, he’s puffing his chest up and revealing an “S” on his chest.

You can use the same tactic, for example, if you’re beside him trying to figure out which dessert to eat with your coffee: “Oh man! This is so stressful! I don’t know if I should get the blueberry muffin or the apple pie. What do you think?”

Most men would love to swoop in, save you the trouble, and help you choose your dessert. Or if you’re sitting at the bar, you should ask, “I want to try something different. I’m such a bore and I always get rum and coke. Tell me what’s your usual and I’ll just get that.”

Remember ladies – hero instinct!

Step Five: Allow the Target to Become the Hunter.

At this point, it’s time to hand the reigns over to the man and allow him to take the lead. You approached him, you broke the ice, and now you’re just going with the flow.

If he’s interested in you, you will see that he’ll try his best to upkeep the conversation – even if he isn’t the best conversationalist.

With my island guy, after he “saved me” at the slot machine, our conversation morphed into a deeper discussion – what he’s looking for in a woman, why he’s cheated in the past, and why he’s single. I could tell he was interested because he showed no signs of wanting to end the conversation. He was engrossed.

Once your target is engrossed in the conversation, he has become the hunter. Men love it when women approach them because it allows them to know, “Okay, this girl is interested. There’s no chance of rejection at this point.”

But they also want to feel as if they made a move towards you, let ‘em have that moment!

Step Six: The Big Finish!

By step five, if the conversation is winding down and your target still has not asked you for your number or social media page, it’s time to take charge again – but ever so subtlety.

You should say, “We should keep in touch.” Here you can offer to swap whatever contact information floats your boat – your Instagram, Facebook, phone number, etc.

Success! You got the digits, secure your bae!

And that, my friends, is the art of approaching a man! Now if you want to learn how to keep one, you’re on your own because I’m still trying to figure that one out for myself.

Toodles!

Kimberly Gedeon is a content creator with nearly 2,000 professional articles published online including platforms like BuzzFeed and MadameNoire. You can DM her on Instagram at Kimmiexsweetie and she’ll happily respond. She doesn’t bite!

Why It Doesn’t Matter what Dating App You’re Using. It’s All About Timing

I’ve spent my fair share of time and energy on multiple dating apps, I mean who hasn’t right? My friends even considered me a “dating guru” as I was very active across a variety of apps such as Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid, Soulswipe and even the occasional “will you go out with me?” DM on twitter & IG. I thought I had this dating thing down to a science, especially after going on several dates with different suitors from each app.

Just keep swiping

Just keep swiping

There was even this awkward third date once where I ended up matching with my Tinder match after matching with him on Bumble and he didn’t even mention it to me until, our third date after he criticized me for my French fry table manners, (a different story for a different day). I believe dating is all about strategy, but more importantly ALL about timing.

Nonetheless, I can sit here today and say I’ve devoted about a solid year of my life to online dating and dating apps. To this day, I’m still about 7785 of 14943 on The League’s waitlist (seriously does anybody get in?) I’ve recently ended a yearlong relationship with someone I fell in love with on Tinder. The reason for the breakup? Timing. I’m here to tell you that it isn’t about what dating app you’re on or even sometimes who you’re actually dating, it’s simply all about timing.

  1. As cheesy as this may sound, timing LITERALLY is everything and you have to trust the timing of your life. What I mean by this is, if you’re struggling to make it through college, if you don’t know if you have enough money to pay rent this month or if you’re worried about finding a new job because you’ve just been laid off…I’d highly recommend pressing pause on your dating life. Dating someone means using more of your energy, time and mental capacity to not only be vulnerable but also make someone else feel safe in getting to know you. Not to mention spending more money on cute date nights or baecations. If you have all this nervous energy or added stress, it’s just not going to translate well to your potential suitor and all they’ll see is someone with TOO many issues or worse, baggage that they don’t want to deal with.
  2. Have you taken the time to Love yourself? This year it seems a lot of us are on our very own missions for self-love and this is definitely something I’m also exploring myself. I want to take out a few seconds to also clarify that “self-love” doesn’t just mean superficial things like getting your hair done or your nails did, or making sure your eyebrows are on fleek. Sure, when you look good, you feel good; but how many of us actually take out the TIME to work on ourselves internally? Have you taken the time to heal from past relationships or even childhood traumas? Playing the victim or self-proclaiming you have mommy or daddy issues doesn’t mean the problem goes away just by “owning it.” You have to take the time to do the work from within and heal yourself. Sometimes that means, journaling or reflecting on your past and being honest with yourself, as mental health is a big part of relationships. It might even be worth your time to talk to a professional, like a therapist. Regardless, If you’re not in the right headspace, then I’m sorry no matter how many dating apps you use, it’s just not going to work out and it’s not going to be the right time. It’s O.K. to be alone and be single because you’re taking the time to discover yourself and who you really are and what you want in life but also in an ideal partner.
  3. IT HAS TO BE THE RIGHT TIME FOR THE OTHER PERSON TOO! This part is crucial. Sometimes we move too fast, sometimes we don’t communicate the way we should and then sometimes we learn the hard way after falling head over heels for the right person at the wrong time. It honestly doesn’t matter where you met your match, a dating app or in real life. If they are not ready for a commitment they never will be AT THIS TIME. You can’t force or beg someone to commit or want to be with you if they feel other things in their life take priority at the moment. TAKE YOUR TIME GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE. It’s important to have honest conversations from the beginning to build proper foundations when forming new relationships with other people. If you’re pretending to be someone you’re not to please the other person or if you can’t even genuinely focus on someone right now because you’re worried about graduating or launching your career, then don’t waste that person’s time!

Everyone is trying to figure it out just like you. You can’t expect someone to be with you if you don’t like yourself first. Take your time to explore what it means to love yourself and strive to work on you and your other aspects of life such as career, education other important relationships and friendships before jumping from relationship to relationship or swiping from app to app. Trust the timing of your life, learn from each experience and you never know what can happen!

Don’t Text Me Back: Modern Romance in 2017

In the age of technology and instant messaging, one would think communication is almost TOO easy. Our means to communicate is literally at our fingertips, but does that mean we’re still effectively communicating? I suspect were actually subconsciously learning how to disassociate, isolate and neglect ourselves.

Unfortunately for my generation, we do not know how to communicate. We know how to swipe left, we know how to Snapchat and we know how to slide into a DM but the art of communication is suffering. Ways to organically experience a potentially new partner is fading. Instead of meeting people through friends or in real-time, we’re meeting people online, texting, messaging and not interacting face to face. Not the most organic lovey-dovey meet-cute I used to dream of.

LOL, my phone died, what’s up?

Modern Romance in the age of text messaging is often measured by how many texts you get from your man in a single day. Or if you like a guy, how often he’ll text you back or if he’ll text you first. There’s a strong emphasis on texting. I’m guilty of this as well, expecting a text back, or expect a good morning or a good night text. But that’s just it; we forget that texting is literally just texting. A text is just a text so don’t read too much into it. Texting originally known as SMS that stands for short message service. SMS is also often referred to as texting, sending text messages or text messaging. Did you catch that? SHORT MESSAGING! I think this is one thing we often forget when communicating with our fingers and not our mouths. Texts aren’t meant to be 4-page love letters or resignation letters during a breakup. They should be utilized as thoughtful forget-me-nots throughout the day. To be fair, I can’t speak on the behalf of all women but I can speak for myself and I decided to let men know how I, myself as a woman really feel.

The Text Commandments: 

  • Text me to let me know I’m on your mind
  • Text me if you want to
  • Text me to find out if I’ll answer
  • Text me to shoot your shot
  • If you like me, don’t text me back. Ask me out.
  • If you like me, don’t text me back. Call me.
  • If you like me, don’t text me back, show up to my door with flowers.
  • Here’s the biggest one: IF YOU LIKE ME THEN JUST TELL ME!!!!!!! Shoot your shot son. 

I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead or that courting is a lost art form. I have encountered enough men in my life to know that when men like what they see, they go get it. If a man wants you he’ll do whatever he needs to do to get you and act accordingly.

New phone, who this?

new phone, who this?

So why as women do we get so caught up in wanting a text back or a text at all? Since when is getting a text validation of a man’s interest?

Sure, if he wants to talk to you he’ll text you, but what if he’s busy? What if he’s at work? What if he’s at an event? What if he’s just a bad texter? I don’t think I’m making excuses, I think I’m actually trying to give us all (myself included a reality check.) Men, don’t flatter yourselves. I’m reckless enough to let you know the deal and speak how I feel. If I like you, you’ll know it and I’m not about playing games. However, I understand that men like to chase and that you have to play hard to get to maintain levels of interests. So if I give you a read receipt then rightfully so, I had to because that’s the way laws of attraction are designed these days of modern romance.

Yes, today, social media and cellphones create open lines of communication that make everyone overly accessible but does that mean you or men have to then are, all the time available? Having around the clock access to someone is almost draining and scary if you think about it. Since when is it socially unacceptable to be alone & logged off, are we allowed to unplug ourselves?

Here’s what I mean: 

Honestly, truly, I don’t want a guy I’m interested in or my man to text me ALL DAMN Day. There are levels to this shit. If I’m single (I mean I am now) and you’re lucky enough that I find you interesting…text me, let me know how you feel, but I would very much rather a phone call at the end of the day to know you’re serious about me.

If I’m in a relationship with a man, then I expect him to text me and let me know he thought about me during his lunch break or to simply let me know he can’t wait to see me later but I would prefer to let him sizzle while we can go our separate ways and still be securely attached to one another without the need for constant communication. I don’t want my partner I’m in a relationship with to feel burdened or suffocated by the need to check-in or constantly communicate with me. We’re all human and we all need our space. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.

So, I’m suggesting that instead of our generation continuing the habitual way of overanalyzing texts, overthinking responses and overindulging in each other, can we learn to communicate for real? How can we expect to live in moments as they happen if we’re all too preoccupied with our cell phones and the instant messaging world?

A Poem: Dear Ex-Lover

Dear Ex-Lover,

Somehow, I still manage to sleep at night

But just to feel right

I hug my pillow, tight.

At night, every night.

Just right…

Now tighter

Cuddling…

Pretending…

I’m hugging you.

And my pillow is your chest

The same place I used to fit

So perfectly in

My comfort zone

My sanctuary

My home

There are scars from those rug burns

Marks on my knees

Wrapped in my sheets

Reminding me

Of the pain you caused me

Our love fades and so do memories of you

Or do they? Come lay with me…

Please

Remember that time you kissed me in the rain?

I guess I can’t complain…

You taught me everything I never knew I deserve

And more,

I don’t want you

Anymore.

Good riddance.

cozy.

cozy.

5 Tips for Online Dating

To tinder or not to tinder? That is the question.

But the first honest question most of us ask ourselves is, am I ready to date?

So, how do you know if you’re ready to online date?

I could be super cliché and tell you, you’re never really ready and just jump in…(if you’re a boss b*tch then by all means, GO AHEAD.) However, some of us are a little more reserved and I’m here to give you a few things to keep in mind when online dating.

Follow these five easy steps to help you mentally prepare to online date and hopefully enhance your overall experience. More importantly, remember to take your online dates, offline. Meeting in real life will validate any organic chemtisry between you and a romantic hopeful, so once you’ve secured the meet up remember these 5 things:

   1. Open up

You’re single for whatever reason, but I guarantee you will not be able to date or be dated until you learn to open up to strangers, yes strangers. It’s easier said than done, I know and I’m not asking you to have word vomit on the first date and scare your date away. But, consider letting your guard down if you feel comfortable and REALLY get to know someone and give them the chance to get to know you. I promise it is worth your time to let your guard down and open up.

   2. Try new things

Not all dates have to consists of happy hour or going to the movies, getting to know someone means exactly that, so what better way to get to know someone than trying new things together and going out on adventurous dates such as kayaking or windsurfing. You might even learn something new about yourself by pushing yourself to try new things and meet new people.

   3. Do not be defensive

Some guys are just douchebags, and to that I say kick rocks, but others may just be genuinely interested in getting to know you. Try not to take offensive to questions like, “tell me about yourself” or “What are you parents like” or “did you go to college,” you’re not going to get to the second date by shooting down every guy who’s actually interested and if you’re this defensive you may want to ask yourself what are you looking for and who are you looking for and if you should be dating

   4. Trust your instincts

I’m not telling you to date JUST anybody, but I am telling you to date, and date smart. Women especially have intuition and if you’re not feeling a guy based of the contents of his DMs, texts or phone calls then it’s safe to say you’ll be even more unimpressed with an actual date. Save yourself the disappointment and don’t even bother dating someone who can’t keep your attention more than 5 minutes. Sometimes we get caught up in ideals, we match with this “perfect guy” who looks great, educated and employed but there’s just no spark no matter how hard we try, and guess what? That’s OK. Trust yourself enough to know who’s worth your time and who’s not.

   5. Enjoy yourself

First date, second date, or whatever; please do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself. I know you’re stressing, and worrying. But trust me, there is nothing to worry about and there is no pressure. Don’t get yourself worked up to ultimately embarrass yourself over some guy you matched with who lives within 30 miles of you. Chances are if things don’t go well you may not ever see him again and even if you do, life goes on. Dates are meant to be fun and light, so keep your head up and enjoy the experience, you may shock yourself at who you end up finding attractive.

pretty-serious

Those aren’t too bad right? Pretty realistic and attainable, right? So, there you have it! Follow these 5 easy steps and get yourself a hot date!

Do you think my tips we’re helpful? Drop a comment below.